A List of Unrealistic Things To Ask For On Mother’s Day

What I really want for Mother’s Day. 

(But know will never, ever happen.)

1) I want my house to stay clean for more than 24 hours after I clean it. 

Last week, being the smart ass that I am, I cleaned my house and posted a picture to Facebook that said, “Don’t blink, my house is clean, but only because no one is home.”

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Posted at 9am, and by 4pm, MY HOUSE WAS TRASHED. Lord have mercy, I don’t think it’s realistic to clean my house until every last kid has moved out. Or my husband. Shoot, I give up, no more house cleaning ever.

2) I want to cook a meal that everyone will eat without complaining about something. 

Now look, I am actually a pretty good home chef, you can ask my Instgram followers about that one and from day to day, I try to please most everyone, but there is rarely a meal that everyone eats without some side comment, or a moment of tears.

“I don’t eat tomatoes!”

“You know I hate onions.”

“Are you trying to vegetable me to death?”

“I hate pizza now, don’t ever feed this to me again.”

“Why can’t I just have peanut butter and jelly instead?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You make the most disgusting foods ever.”

Unless, of course, it is spaghetti and meatballs. And then, it’s silent at meal time, except for a lot of slurping and grunting. No one talks. No one complains. No one cries about the meal. And the aftermath is 3 faces covered in spaghetti sauce.

Screw it, I’ll just make spaghetti and meatballs for every meal, forever and ever, amen.

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3) I’d love to have homework time go really smooth and without tears, at least once in my life.

I have been a mom for almost 20 years now, which means I have had kids in schools for about 15 years now. That equates to 15 years of homework. So, 15 years of of my life have been spent begging and pleading with my 3 kids to do their homework. 15 years of my kids telling me they can’t do something. 15 years of kids telling me that they are too tired for math. It’s too hard/boring/stupid/not fair that they have to do homework. 15 years of me basically learning to be a hostage negotiator and offering them the moon and back, if they’ll just read a book for 20 minutes. Or finish a crayon drawing or diorama. Anything to get them, and me, through it, so that our time together after school can be drama-free.

And we all know, it eventually gets done. It usually only takes about 15 minutes tops, but the amount of time added to it for the fit throwing and tears brings up to about 3 hours minimum. Or more. From 3pm until they hit the pillow, it’s a knock down, drag out mess that is ridiculous.

I just want one day of peaceful and agreeable homework session, so I can spend an evening with my kids and no homework. Yep, probably never gonna happen. I’ll just doubly enjoy our summer with no homework. Two and half glorious months of no common core. Oh, luxury.

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4) I want to take a shower or bath where no one interrupts me. 

Not to sound cliche here, because all moms say this, but this is annoying as hell. Why can’t I just wash my hair in peace? It’s gotten to the point where having the time shave is a luxury. That’s pretty lame, especially considering when the rest of my family takes a shower or bath, I consider it break time for myself and I never interrupt anyone.

No, when I step in the bathroom and shut the door, my kids need everything or start World War 3. My husband will have life altering decisions he needs to discuss with me. And one time, my dog even hopped in the shower with me. My dog! I was home alone, so I was expecting no kids or hubby to bother me, and in jumps my 80 lb pit bull, to shower with me. Really? Moms get no quiet time ever.

I cannot get clean in peace.

Maybe I’ll try putting a dry-erase board on the outside of the bathroom door and they can all just write down their needs and I’ll get back to them after my shower. Who am I kidding? I have to bathe when I am home alone if I ever want privacy and no interruptions. And put the dogs outside, too.

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5) I want to do the laundry in one day with no mishaps, no clothes inside out, filthy stains, missing socks, etc. 

Ahahahahahahahahaha. Ain’t never gonna happen. We have approximately 150 unmatched socks in the laundry room with no pair. Never ever a day with boys’ laundry that you won’t get skid marks in undies. Do they even use toilet paper? Probably not. Not a single piece of clothing is ever turn right outside out, because boys throw that stuff all over the floor exactly as it comes off the body: inside out. Nothing ever comes without some massive grass stain or something unrecognizable. And why do I even bother to buy my kiddos new pants when they just put a new hole in the knee the first day they wear them?

Also, they never throw their laundry in the hamper, the amount of clothes doesn’t always match the amount of underwear that should be in the laundry (do they never change underwear?), and maybe for Mother’s Day I should be asking for a HazMat suit for laundry day. Maybe, just maybe.

‘Nuff said. I didn’t sign up for this.

Can I change this request to just me asking for someone to do all my laundry for me instead?

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6) I want my kids to go to bed without a fight. Just go the ^&*% to sleep! 

Well, I think we all know about this one. How do I explain to my kids that this time in their life, when someone wants them to go to bed at 8pm, and wake 11 hours later, is but a short and fleeting moment in the lives? That someday they will only be able to dream of this much sleep? That naps will rarely happen in their adulthood? I don’t know why, but my children act like I am terrorizing them when I put them to bed and I’m over like, “I WANT YOU TO GO TO BED SO I CAN!” Seriously, they don’t like to fall asleep as if they think me and my husband are having a rave party out in the family room. We aren’t. WE ARE WAITING FOR THEM TO GO TO SLEEP SO WE CAN. Damn it, I am tired. All the time. Go to bed. Please. I’ll give you anything, if you’ll just go to sleep peacefully and stay in there.

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7) I want my kids to wake up for school on time.

Remember when they said they weren’t tired and wouldn’t go to bed? Funny because by morning, they are too tired to wake up for school.

“I’m tired.”

“Why won’t you just let me sleep in?”

And my favorite:

“You never let me get enough sleep.”

See #6 above. 

Whatever, weirdos.

And while we are on the subject of sleep, I’d like to add one more thing I want for Mother’s Day. On school days my kids are “too awake” to go to sleep, and too tired to wake up on time for school. On the weekends, however, they are wide awake watching cartoons by 6am, like I am living in some kind of opposite world. I want my kids to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday, so I can. Is that too much to ask? I’m just a tired little mama and I cannot figure out the reasoning behind any of their sleep patterns, or lack thereof.

Fine, I’ll just try to take a nap while you are at school since “I have nothing better to do.” Right?

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8) I want my kids to stop fighting.

This one is pretty impossible, so I’ll clarify. I want my kids to stop fighting about ridiculous things. Here is a list of things I don’t want them to fight about anymore:

Who gets the last chocolate donut.

Who gets to sit on which side of the couch.

Who farted the worst.

Who farted the best.

Who didn’t flush the toilet.

Who gets to knock on a door, ring a doorbell, or push the buttons in an elevator.

Who drank the last bit of juice.

Playing with each others toys.

Who hit who first.

Who left out the milk.

Who is my mom’s favorite.

Who loves me more.

Who hates me more.

You know, choose your battles.

In a nutshell, I’d like a BS monitor to be installed in each of my children so they can discern which things in life are worth arguing about and which are not. I know most of us don’t actually figure that one out until we are closer to 25, but I’m hopeful and this is my ridiculous Mother’s Day wish list, so I am listing it.

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 9) I don’t want the day after Mother’s Day to be the day I do everything my family didn’t do on Mother’s Day. 

The day after Mother’s Day is a Monday, which is usually not a great day anyway, so dear family, please do not ignore some things around the house that could get done by you while I spend the better part of my day watching Netflix, drinking coffee, hanging out with you guys, enjoying whatever you have planned for me, and ignoring the mountain of laundry. How about you try and do some things so that it’s not just a day off, followed up by a day where I don’t pay for my day off in extra Monday chores?

10) I want them to know how much I love them and how I do everything for them because I love them.

I know it will take a long time until they figure this one out. A lot of what I do is telling them how to do things, instructing, directing, bossing them around. I tell them NO a lot. I ground them and take away MineCraft. I make them eat vegetables and don’t buy junk food or McDonald’s. I ask them not to fight, I make them run errands with me, and I ask for quiet time. I make them sleep and then wake up for school. I make them go to school everyday, I make them do homework, and sometimes make them do it again, because I know they can do better. I know I sound like all I do is nag. But I do it because I care. I love them and want them to be good people. I want the best for them in their lives and ours as a family. I want them be be able to face the world someday and do great things.

I know that they won’t know this until they are most likely grown up, on their own, and taking care of themselves without my help. In all reality, it’s a losing battle for now and I will keep on doing what I do best: momming them to death.

In the meantime, I will keep doing all I do, hold onto the memories, and keep trying to write down the funny and tough stuff so we can all look back and remember it someday. And that’s okay.

Have a great Mother’s Day, friends.

Blessings, XOXO

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